I’m back! I thought I’d start writing again, because I still get anxiety and I think it will help. Hopefully it does help and not just make it worse. We’ll see. My anxiety is different now. Really my entire life is different now, for the better I’m hoping. That may be part of what’s causing my anxiety. I don’t know. I figure if I write things down, then maybe I’ll figure it out.
My anxiety isn’t really social anymore, more like general anxiety. I didn’t hear this from a doctor, but that’s what I’m calling it. I got myself a boyfriend now (not Cat Guy, thank God), and I moved in with him a year ago. We started hanging out once Cat Guy stopped coming to Applebee’s as frequently. I noticed him sitting at the end of the bar, usually alone, sipping rum and coke. On Fridays when Cat Guy wasn’t there, I’d go over and sit with him (he works at the same office as we do). The first thing I noticed was that he was incredibly easy to talk to – we could spend hours talking about movies and I would never feel nervous or self conscious at all, which was unusual. We realized we had a lot in common, and the rest was pretty much history. That’s probably the way it should be, right? I was amazed how easy it was after so many years of agonizing over guys who refused to respond to my advances. He had chased after the opposite sex without any response either. So there you go.
So naturally I have to take the best thing that ever happened to me and give myself anxiety over it. A couple of weeks after I moved in, I had a huge anxiety attack. To be fair, I moved out of state to be with him (only an hour away, but still), all my furniture was in storage, and I’d never lived with a man before. Everything was unfamiliar, and I don’t deal with that well. I’ve never really been good with change.
I got a little better after a few weeks, until I got a kidney infection, which hurts like hell I might add. When I went to the hospital they found a massive tumor on my kidney, which meant they had to remove my entire kidney. Luckily the tumor was benign, but I was out of work for a month, and it was hard not to go insane stuck at home the whole time. My beloved was there for me through it all, and I couldn’t have asked for a sweeter man. He says he comes from a family of crazy people, so he can deal with it. He doesn’t always understand, but he’s always patient with me.
The only other anxiety I’ve had until now was in April when we spent a long weekend in Vermont. I panicked a little when we got there, and I’m still not sure why. There wasn’t really anything to worry about. That’s what I hate about anxiety – sometimes you have no idea why the hell you’re anxious. It went away after a day and half, and then I was fine. I guess it was just being so far from home or something.
Last month we decided to get a house together, so for some reason this exciting event is making me anxious. At the end of the month our lease runs out, so in order to save money for the down payment we’re going to live at my beloved’s parent’s house for a few months. So now I have to adjust to two new places. I think I’m worried that I’ll panic again like I did last September. I panicking about the possibility of me panicking. It’s pretty stupid. But it’s important that I write it down and talk about it so I can see more clearly how stupid my worrying is.
My beloved is being very sweet. He wants me to tell him any time I feel the least bit of anxiety. He frequently asks me if I’m okay, if I’m feeling “crazy”, as he calls it, and if I’m happy. He hugs me whenever I need it and always tries to reassure me that everything is going to be okay. Seriously, with a guy like this around it’s a wonder I have any anxiety at all. I’ll have to analyze that more later. For now though, I feel a little better. Sometimes you just have to get things out in the open to realize you have nothing to whine about. Thanks for listening.